Monday while I was driving back home with Lyd and Ryan, Lydia asked me if I was happy with who I am now. I told her yes.
Now I'm not so sure.
It is little things that remind me of the characteristics with which I would not describe myself, yet others may because they are so...standoffish? There is a woman next to me in the bell choir who refuses or perhaps just simply chooses not to count while she plays. She is always late and continuously gets lost. So I count out loud for her. She then plays when she is supposed to. But I know she is irked by me and I wish she would not be because I just want the bell choir to sound great. Sometimes I think, Mr. Matheny should just switch us for that song because she plays more than I do, but I can actually play when my notes come along at the right time. Arrogance is probably what she thinks of me.
Lydia and I used to be so very alike until I went to Stetson and forced myself to socialize the socially accepted way: by putting myself out there confidently. Often I find myself putting her down because she is so shy and does not stick up for herself 100% of the time; and she takes on too much responsibility for her own good in that she could burn out quickly physically or emotionally--but it isn't necessarily the loving way to help her become more outgoing. I wish I did not behave unlovingly.
My dad has pointed out on several occasions that I defend myself excessively. To justify my actions, I feel that no one takes me seriously anymore: I'm a vegetarian; I sell Cutco--two horrid contradictions to our warm, traditional American community.
Honestly, I am not proud of who I am because I offend so many people. Upsetting people is not a life goal of mine. Yet, I'm living my life currently like it is. Is there a graceful way to be Kathryn Gower?
I wonder who I am becoming.
