Dys-order

To what extent is wanting to be diagnosed with Bipolar disorder just myself merely not wanting to deal with my scatterbrain irrational thoughts?

Joplin

I'm recessing down the aisle to Maple Leaf Rag.

All there is to it.

I hate the woman who claims to be my mother

Acts

This may be an ironic question: what is with ex's and picking post-relationship fights?
The irony may lie in my disgust in Warren thinking I was trying to condescendingly contradict him--picking a fight similar to the "Tardis" episode (*rolls eyes*), when I may have been the one picking the fight.
There are unresolved issues from my past relationship.
True, I really wanted to say in an irate, belittling tone of voice,"No, you prick, you don't love everyone. If you did, you wouldn't act like some people don't exist or like everything is fine between you and that said person; and what's more: you can't even read passive aggressiveness."
Ok, so maybe his "picking a fight" was reading my passive aggressive posts before I even identified my true intent behind it. Nevertheless, my anger resides in the fact that he does nothing.
There is a game that girls often play with boys and it goes by the name of "I know something you don't know." It is a clever game that usually incites curiosity of the male human species; however, it is incredibly unsatisfying for the female who cannot even get the idiot to guess the hidden knowledge. Perhaps this version of the game is unique in that the female takes some delight in confusing the male, exploiting his lack of intelligence. Yet, baited trap can sit untouched for only so long; and content in evil cannot prevail in a tender heart. Thus, chronic emotional distress ensues when the female is merely reminded of the hidden knowledge.
The issue is that I retain my passive aggressive nature towards him. Herein lies my immaturity and this shred I am not surrendering until the enemy camps attempts to explore the reason for its existance.
Why are ex-boyfriends ignorant, idiotic and unfortunately not inane?
Gr!
I am a fool to say I do not hate Warren. I resent him greatly; and I resolve today to be irrational by the thought of him.
Tomorrow this may change, but it is unlikely.

Despite

Though I should be continuing my depressed blogs I am not. I should be over-whelmed with how much has to get done before this semester ends (and the end looms) but I suppose I'm more excited about other things.
Like flying out to Austin this weekend. We'll find out by the end of this weekend if it was a good idea.
I'm nervous about seeing my sister's ex-husband--its not that he did anything did to me. I'll try and treat him normal. I just cannot believe some of the atrocities he committed against my sister while they were married.
How could anyone who claims to love someone be so unfaithful, thoughtless and abusive?
I could go on forever. One of my greatest fears is an unsuccessful marriage.
Elicia's crashed and burned. Who is to say if she should have stayed longer to pick up her husband's sorry ass and rehabilitated him or left earlier or even married him at all? What is done is done.
I just don't want mine to be anything like that and I want a marriage significantly better than my parent's past and current relationship.
Perhaps it feels I'm going through the motions of life with no true direction, but alas, I'm surviving and currently am happier than lately.
I'll run with it.

Adaptation

Physically. Geographically. Emotionally. Mentally. Financially. Friend-wise. Health-wise.I don't like where I am.

I still don't cope well with change.

I'm not sure how to adapt to this situation.

Sluggish adaptation is depressing.

End of my World

Today, nearly marked the end of my nursing career when technically, it had never begun.
I go on Blackboard to take my Mid-term exam for Anatomy and Physiology today and I notice Unit 4 is already up. That's weird. I go to the Exams tab to take the #3 exam and it  requests a password. Oh God. I go to the quizzes to see if they had been locked up (they're no longer available when an exam is available or if the exam has passed.) The quizzes aren't there. I check the syllabus. Testing period for #3: October 20-23. FML.
I'm in shock at this point and go straight to my e-mail to message the TA to see if there is any forgiveness for someone who honestly missed the exam, expected to take it and ace it today, has a perfect track record for getting assignments in early and has a 97% in the class. I press send. The emotion cascades like Niagra Falls. I go to tell Mom and can barely spit out the words between the gasping, sobbing and profuse mucus. The mid-term is 20% of your grade. That's 2 letter grades. That's a near 100% to a C. Getting such a grade would obliterate my chances of getting into USF's incredibly competitive 2-year accelerated BSN to RN program. There's nothing I can do, but wait. I'm so depressed I try to take my mind off it by studying but just fall asleep after gorging on an enormous ice cream sundae. Waking around 4:55 pm I check my mail and am nervous to see the TA messaged me back.
He reset the exam.
That guy is so getting a heart-felt Christmas card and candy.
He could have let me fail that mid-term.
He could have ended it then.
But he didn't.
And for that he deserves the utmost appreciation.

Morning!

Off to decide what to do with my day...

Peaceful Music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWatPLfsjMc Lux Aurumque for Strings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3zCRRVh6Pg Lux Aurumque for Band

Both are absolutely lovely arrangements of an originally choral work by the ingenious Eric Whitacre.
What emotion he evokes in dynamics, chords, ornamentation...everything is so wonderful.
This is what peace sounds like.

Key to Happiness

One key to my personal, fleeting happiness is competency or a sense of accomplishment.
Writing a partial introductory paragraph lifted my spirits.

Rising Action?

Emotions are somewhat controllable, I understand.
Today was the first day I felt the fleeting emotion of happiness without the aid of others in a while.
Probably the first time since two weekends ago.
I pray it lasts.
Studying the muscular system of humans outside without sunscreen is a bad idea.

Ouch!

Time and Attention

Attention, please. Attention, please. I want only your undivided attention please.
Do not tell me things to make me feel better if they are not true.
Do not give me half of you when you tell me you love me.
Understand I want the best for you.
Understand I am selfish when I miss you.
What I value more than silver, pearls, money and recognition is your time.
Your sweet words are nothing to me without you behind them, so why hide behind them?
Your time is what I desire.
Your attention is what I desire.

Book Frame

Ok, so I was supposed to work on projects today; but I've had this project in mind since I heard about it.
Above is the book cover...

And this is the back that I made into a picture frame. (Used my Cutco Super shears to cut the hole in the hardcover and the fabric.) :)

TOMS

I absolutely love my new TOMS! They're so pretty! And a little kid has shoes because of me :) (This picture was obviously difficult to take--hence, the face.)

Becoming

Monday while I was driving back home with Lyd and Ryan, Lydia asked me if I was happy with who I am now. I told her yes.
Now I'm not so sure.
It is little things that remind me of the characteristics with which I would not describe myself, yet others may because they are so...standoffish? There is a woman next to me in the bell choir who refuses or perhaps just simply chooses not to count while she plays. She is always late and continuously gets lost. So I count out loud for her. She then plays when she is supposed to. But I know she is irked by me and I wish she would not be because I just want the bell choir to sound great. Sometimes I think, Mr. Matheny should just switch us for that song because she plays more than I do, but I can actually play when my notes come along at the right time. Arrogance is probably what she thinks of me.
Lydia and I used to be so very alike until I went to Stetson and forced myself to socialize the socially accepted way: by putting myself out there confidently. Often I find myself putting her down because she is so shy and does not stick up for herself 100% of the time; and she takes on too much responsibility for her own good in that she could burn out quickly physically or emotionally--but it isn't necessarily the loving way to help her become more outgoing. I wish I did not behave unlovingly.
My dad has pointed out on several occasions that I defend myself excessively. To justify my actions, I feel that no one takes me seriously anymore: I'm a vegetarian; I sell Cutco--two horrid contradictions to our warm, traditional American community.
Honestly, I am not proud of who I am because I offend so many people. Upsetting people is not a life goal of mine. Yet, I'm living my life currently like it is. Is there a graceful way to be Kathryn Gower?
I wonder who I am becoming.

Giveaway!!

Giveaway!!

Felt Future

Made my first creation. Well, I really stole the idea from another blog that I follow (paper-and-string...)

Kindness

Today started out crappy; and really it was an extension of the sentiments following my appointment with the Haney's last night. I go over to show the Cutco and they tell me how Megan is supposed to graduate early and she wants to do mission work in the Dominican and then get her Master's degree right away. Oh yeah, and she hasn't had a real job ever because her parent's have always taken care of her finances. And they are taking her to Night of Joy at Disney this weekend. (And they only bought one knife.) Here I am, the Salutitorian transferred to USF and working 2 part-time jobs to make enough to save to finally get a car at the ripe-old age of 20. I'm going to finally get my undergrad in 5 years and I'm living at my parents' house. I started to cry when I was explaining that to Dad. I guess he felt bad and tried to make those problems seem insignificant by saying, "At least you have parents..." and proceeded to tell me about a story he heard from the Palmers last night at small group. Didn't help much at all. But I tried to change the subject so I wouldn't sob and we could possibly think about up-lifting things.
Today didn't start with such high spirits. But, Minnie comes by this afternoon asking me if I want to go out the Indian buffet to try out stuff. I say sure and Shradeh come along too. We had a really good time and I learned so much about the culture and how interesting it is. I love my Indian friends. They're so kind.
Finished CITI training. Gave them a piece of my mind in their survey at the end of the training. Retarded and waste of my time.
I'm eager for next week to arrive. I want to go back to Stetson and spend time with Keri and Chris. I miss them both terribly. And Caroline.

Good Friday

Christopher O'Reilly is the love of my life and because no one follows my blog at this point I am free to say it without being judged for my age. I have never felt that I have the maturity of most my age, so why do I care? I feel like Elf when he goes on his first date. "I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!" What a wonderful film.
I've had this urge to create something novel since yesterday. My inspiration was the hexagonal shape commonly found in organic chemistry--phenol, benzene, steriods. I haven't figured out what medium I want to make but I think I want to make a chain of tyrosine, tryptophan, and/or phylalanine amino acids. I think I'd like that around my room. However, I don't think I have the endurance to hand stitch it all. Must. Learn. To. Use. Sewing. Machine!
Eat. Pray. Love. tonight with Kylie. Stoked to see that and catch up with her.
Until later.

Finances

I hate dealing with finances. Not just that they deal with numbers, but that I don't have enough of them.
I need to move out--rent & food.
I need to purchase my sister's 07 civic--payments, insurance, gas.
I need to afford college--tuition, books, fees.
I dislike very much being an adult sometimes. It is over-rated.
I feel instead of pornographic merchandise, adult stores should give you free financial help.
This last sentence is not going to start with the same first word/letter.

Terrible Girlfriend.

I thought Chris's birthday was today. Talking on the phone with him, he corrected me.
I am such an ass.
Rest of my day was perfect until then...

The 'Zoo: Travelling with Illness

I made it in one piece.
Woke yesterday with a bit of tummy ache and Mom bitching at me for not doing enough (like she takes a break on vacation), but of course couldn't dwell on that because it was the morn of the Coon Creek Classic 2k that I was running.
Didn't have time to eat. That was a mistake.
It isn't long into the race that I'm feeling awful. I walk a bit and get to the 1/2 way point and see Sarah. In my mind I'm thinking, "I can't let the gimp beat me" so naturally I start giving it my all again until the sickness returns. I finish ahead of Sarah at 16.4 mins. (What a terrible time for a bit over a mile!)
I'm getting ready to leave on my afternoon Metra train when I feel worse: fatigue, almost malaise, just needing to rest, but I have no time really for that; so I continue packing and have some OJ and Grapenuts.
Dad gets me to the station and we stop for a water bottle in a bakery and the combination of bakery on the bottle and the car moving, I feel I'm getting sick. I open the car door in the middle of the street and upchuck.
I get on the Metra safely and just rest my eyes until Union Station in Chicago. All along the way I'd open my eyes to see what Illinois up to Chicago looked like. It was quaint until Chicago. Chicago=brick, trashy city. I guess Chris was right.
I get into the train station and head straight for a recycling bin with an open bin. There are people sitting on benches next to it, but vomit doesn't wait for niceties and politeness. I upchuck water. (I accidently wipe my mouth with my hand and wipe that on my shorts. Good thing everyone was in too big of a hurry to notice.)
Pick up a pack of gum and I'm pointed in the direction of the Amtrak station and finally find the machine to print out my tickets. Fortunately I find another woman who is on my train to Michigan and follow her in the line until we board separate cars on the train.
A nice seemingly affluent woman sits next to me on the train and for some  reason I envison myself apologizing for vomiting all over her. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom. I had tried to use the Metra train trich and just close my eyes but this ride was a lot longer and bumpier. I turn to the woman next to me and ask her quickly and politely, "Where are the bathrooms?" She tells me at the end of the car and I don't wait for her to reposition to let me by: I leap over her in my socks and quickly pull the sliding door shut and let my stomach relieve itself. Saliva and bile.
Used up my laptop battery listening to music to distract me and warming me in the subzero temperatures of that car. The rest of that train ride was uneventful.
Found Megan and her "wing man" the "Bonster" or Bonnie. Lovely ladies both of them. They are great friends and wonderful hostesses. We went to the D&W "their store" to get some ill person grub and as Megan is walking away from the car throw-up #4 happens outside my cardoor. Somehow, she had paper towels in the car and as she hands one to me I apologize and take it to wipe my mouth. She makes sure I'm okay and I'm left to study the mustard yellow bile and clear liquid that is my vomit until they come back with loads of stuff.
We get home and I see Uncle Marty for two second and their dogs Gracie and Sam and I lean next to their toilet until I'm feeling well enough to just rest in my bed.
I wake 2 hours later and scarf down my toast and cherry JELL-O. I'm feeling much better.

Noob

I've always wanted a blog. So this is a nice early birthday present to myself.
Truth: my motives are not pure. The driving force to finally making one of these was not that I had a burning passion to share my enlightened views to the world on various serious, deep or political subjects. Merely, I wanted to post on someone's blog. So yes, I am one more annoying person of millions who will be contributing to the thousands of Google/Bing search results you get when you accidently type in a trite phrase that I used in my blog.

I'm sitting here at the lab with nothing to do until 4:30 (the blessed time I get to leave). I love working at the lab. I hate that they don't give me enough to do to stay busy all day.